To My Fellow Women (aka, can we knock off all the passive aggressive and just straightforward aggressive nonsense?)

Dear Women,

I want you to know, that I have your back.  We are all in this together.  Being a woman is hard.  And I want to contribute to the growing culture of inclusion and support, not the opposite one of judgement and tearing each other down that we all faced growing up, most especially in middle school.  We have all been through enough.  We all have enough on our plates.  Shouldn't we be working together to build each other up?

With that in mind, here are some thoughts.

I am in my early 30s.  Due to some fairly recent discoveries about family health histories and diseases, it seems pretty likely that my husband and I will  not be having children.  Not 100% impossible or improbable; but at the moment I am basing my life choices on the fact that children will not be a part of our future.  Adoption is not currently a viable option for us.  We chose early on not to have children, and now with the new information and circumstances facing us, we are glad we made the choice we did.

This does not mean that I don't love children.  Anyone who has seen me with my niece can attest to the fact that I am crazy about her.  Anyone who has seen me with many of our friends' children could confirm that I often enjoy and like to help out with kids.  I will change diapers, I will sing songs, and I will follow kids while they run around the room if that is the only way to get them to eat; popping food into their mouth whenever they pause for the smallest moment.  And I couldn't be prouder of all the women I know who are mothers.  My mother raised three girls, and I don't know how she did it.  I admire each and every one of you for doing what I chose not to; for having the strength and moral courage to be a mother every day, in the home or out, raising the future of our world, and still finding time to love, smile, and laugh.  You are all incredible, and I am amazed every day at my mom friends and what I see them go through.  I've never been prouder of my own sister than when I saw her become a mother, (and a fantastic one at that.)  You guys rock and I hope you know that even though I don't have my own kids, I am always happy to help with yours if you need me.  It's a big job, raising kids.  Every single woman should love and support you in that endeavor.

With that in mind, could you please not judge me, and other women like me who don't have our own children?  I have my reasons; some practical, some painful, and all very personal.  I know other women have theirs, and want their choices to be respected as much as I do my own.  I don't think any less of those of you who chose what I didn't.  On  the contrary, I'm proud of you!  Please respect my choice and the choice of other women in this area.  Please don't constantly ask if I have kids, and why not when you find out I don't, especially if we're meeting for the first time or you don't know me well.  You don't know what pains and heartaches each of us women without children feel.  We're all in this boat for different reasons, and we're all unique with the whys and if it's what we really wanted or not, but we all share the same hope that our situation will be given the compassion and respect it deserves.  I know my life may look different, but I've made my peace with that and am truly happy.  Maybe when I'm older I'll feel different, but for now I'm ok.  Really.  Please believe that.

And thank you to the many women I love and know who already do this for me.  I 100% want to see you all succeed as mothers.  I hope you want to see me enjoy traveling, providing for the birds in the forest that backs our home, and being the best Aunt and friend I can be.  Those are the things I love and put my heart and soul into.  It takes all kinds of women to make this world go round, right?  It's okay if we're not all mothers.  It's great that so many of us are.

I am an introvert.  I don't like big parties.  I like quiet gatherings and one-on-one time with friends.  I'm not anti-social, I don't need to be brought out of my shell, and when I'm really engaged, my face will light up like Christmas and I won't ever want to stop talking to you or have you go home until we've both run of out things to say.  I don't do well at baby showers or bridal showers or other gatherings where women are all making crafts together or doing other domestic projects.  I'm not good at exciting bachelorette parties or trips to the salon.  Those are just not my strong points; that's just not me.  And I'm happy not being super social or a super girly girl.  Thanks to all the women who've given me my space or took the time to have one-on-one get togethers with me, or small dinner parties with great conversations, or sat over a cup of coffee or took a walk with me.  That really makes me feel loved, special, and a part of something magical.  Thanks for all the times you've shared that with me.

And to every woman who is a social butterfly, who is extroverted and proud to be so; who is the life of the gathering, can make the best quilt, throw the best dinner party, or has the best manicure, I love you.  You women who can perfectly put on makeup or do a fantastic hairstyle on yourself; I am so impressed with you.  Thanks for not laughing at my shortcomings, while I admire that you can do what I cannot.  I am so glad this world is full of women who can craft and sew and cook and party all night long.  You're beautiful and I'm in awe of you.

I also don't have a fancy job.  I got a basic liberal arts type degree.  I worked in retail to pay for college, then worked in a delivery center for high end furniture, and then with a gov't contracted company that handles federal services.  I don't have a specialization, I don't directly use my degree in my job; I make enough to pay the bills, but rely on my husband's salary for all the other things we are blessed to enjoy at this stage in our life.  I self-publish books, but I'm not famous, not well known, not read by anyone other than my closest friends and family.  I don't have a lot of ambition or drive.  And I'm okay with that.  Please respect that I don't have a high-powered career, that I'm not ever going to be a CEO or Real Estate Maven, or Self-made Millionaire.  And I'm okay with that.  I'm okay making just enough to take care of myself if I ever don't have a spouse's income to supplement my own.  Please don't judge me for that.

And to all you women who are lawyers and doctors and famous authors, and singers and actresses and scientists and a multitude of other amazing careers and professions, thank you for setting the bar there!!! Thank you for showing my niece that she can do any of those things when she grows up if she wants to.  Thank you for trail blazing and fighting for equal pay, and working full  and overtime in and out of the home.  I love living in a world with so many successful women.  I love seeing women like Taylor Swift in the public eye, and I enjoy her newest music, even if the country wasn't my thing, and I love the kind of person she appears to be, who takes time for fans and donates money to those who need it, and is crazy successful at what she does.  And I could not be more impressed with my friend who designs e-learning courses for companies all over the world and has already successfully run her own business before that and is savvy and sophisticated while still raising a toddler and traveling internationally.  These kinds of Type A women who know what they want from life and drive themselves to get it are incredible.  My cousin has three children and just got a law degree.  How awesome is that?  She is my hero.

Please support and respect the women who don't have high powered careers.  Or give up jobs they love to raise the next generation of men and women.  Or aren't able to finish a degree because other things in life happen that take their time and attention.  Or for whom college just wasn't their thing.  And you women who are like me, keep rooting for those women who are world leaders and in the spotlight and making enough to support themselves and their entire family.  Aren't we lucky to live in a world with so many women like that?  Anything is possible as long as we have women who can do those jobs and still smile.

I live in America.  I'm White.  I was born in the suburbs and have been privy to opportunity and privilege all my life.  There was never any question whether I could go to college if I wanted to, as long as I worked and did my part to pay for it.  My parents weren't rich by American standards, but they could afford to give us anything we needed to succeed at life, and that is an incredible blessing.  I have those things because my parents gave them to me, because of what they taught me, and because I was born in the right place and time.  I'm lucky.

So can we as White well-off women in a free country always always ALWAYS have compassion for those who didn't grow up as we did?  The ones who didn't have the same opportunities, the same support systems, the same community?  Please, don't let us ever forget that where we live matters, and that there are so many women of different nationalities and races and backgrounds worldwide who weren't born with the same advantages that we were.  Who didn't have the same opportunities, or protections under law, or mobility, or freedoms.  Can we make sure to recognize without judging, to support and love each and every woman who is different than us, and to do what we can to ensure as many women as possible get the same things we do, the things we only had because we were born into them, in the right place and time.  And never, ever let us run out of compassion for any woman who is different than us or had to trod a different road.  We have no idea of their own battles, heartaches, and enforced limitations.  Let's not stand for it.  Let's help fight their fights too.  We are all bettered whenever another woman is raised up to her full potential.  The more equality women have, the greater we all are as a result.

I hope you are starting to see what I'm saying.  We're all women, and we all like what we like, do what we do, and make our own choices as a result of our unique circumstances and resources.  We don't have to validate ourselves by only liking and approving of other women who do things the same way we do.  We are lucky to live in a world with all kinds of amazing women.  And we shouldn't believe for one second that we can only win at this life at the expense of other women.  We can all succeed by loving and helping each other.  No one has to be sacrificed for another to get ahead.  There is no reason we can't all support and help each other.  We know what it is to be a woman; it's hard enough without fighting each other.  So let's all give each other a hand instead.  Let's make ourselves collectively greater.  Because if we all have each other's backs and we all support and root for each other, than this world is guaranteed to be a better place.  A place we want our children and nieces and loved ones to live in.

This is the power we have as women.  Let's make it count.