Melancholy Me

I've been rather melancholy lately, and it took a year of depression in high school to come to grips with the fact that there is a difference between being sad all the time (problem) and learning to recognize when the sadness you are experiencing is momentary, and will pass, (like now.)

Honestly, I write so little when I'm truly happy and content, that a bit of melancholy, if nothing else, is at least a good reason to jot some thoughts down before I go back to being blissfully non-reflective.  And as my main character says in my 4th book at one point, "I would rather be delirious in love and never write another word, than be miserable but continue selling books."  So I'll take the not selling books and being cheerful any day.

But let's grab this moment of melancholy to empty my head for a bit...

I find myself stuck on relationships a lot; successful ones, failed ones, lost ones, mine and other people's.  And lately the thing that has really been breaking my heart is watching marriages break apart and knowing there's nothing I can do about it.  This grieves me on two levels; 1) The pain I see people I love go through and the way they try to bravely insist that it's okay and it's all for the best, even though I know they're ripped up inside and 2) How I know it breaks God's heart every time two people He has joined together as one flesh are torn apart.

I have watched two loved ones from my childhood go through this heart wrenching horror now.  One, my oldest friend that I am still close with, (we have been friends since we were six, and went all through public school together) finally get tired of dealing with anger and negligence directed at her, and then have to slog through a messy and difficult break just to get away.  My first experience with a dear friend's divorce right after my marriage had already taught me that people can become dangerously selfish and barely recognizable in their need to get what they believe is entitled to them and soothe their injured pride, but it never ceases to amaze me again and again when husbands morph into these hateful, angry creatures, Hell-bent on exacting as much pain as possible, (I am guessing to cover up as much hurt and save as much face as they can.)  The second girl was my younger sister's best childhood friend, and so practically my little sister as well.  I watched her give as selflessly as a person can give, only to be suddenly turned on and told he wanted nothing to do with any of the things that were important to her and would not budge an inch in compromise or condolence.  I literally have seen him refuse any option or attempt at reconciliation she offered, until she finally had nothing but divorce left to agree on with him.  Both these women are vivacious, loving, and gave until they felt like they had nothing left to give.  I am not saying no fault lies with them at all, (having been married, I know well how it takes 'two to Tango') but to see them so thoroughly used when they tried so hard to reconcile and rebuild was like watching a part of my own heart be ripped out.  I know why God said marriage was so serious to Him, and that what He does with marriage is to make two separate people became one; watching that one become two again is an equally fresh source of pain every time I witness another loved one go through it.

Which brings me to the weirdest break of all.  I have recently learned that my high school sweetheart and his wife of near five years are splitting.  The divorce is supposed to be amicable, and admittedly I know next to nothing about either of their lives at this point and how much truth might be in that statement.  But coming from someone who I was in an abusive, messed up, and hopeless relationship with, the whole thing leaves me feeling so empty, and for several reasons.

The first is that I set the two up together to begin with.  After my break with the high school boyfriend, I felt so guilty at all the wrong I'd done in the relationship and the way I had hurt him, that my most desperate need was to make it better somehow and find someone to make him happy again.  I knew he liked her, I knew she liked him, so I set them up and was delighted to see the sparks fly, the years proceed to engagement, and then marriage, and the two settle down together for what I thought was a happy life.  Not only was I joyous to see them find love and comfort in each other, but it selfishly satisfied my guilt and allowed me to go on with no regrets.  We broke up over 10 years ago, and with all these circircumstances, I never looked back.

Now add that to the fact that we were awful to each other when we were dating, and the only thing that really made me feel better was that at least all that ugliness between us had led to a happy marriage elsewhere and peace on both our ends, (I went on to marry an amazing man, and have a very strong and honest marriage that continues to grow and flourish to this day.)  After two years of beating on and being beaten down by your relationship with another person, the only way to not be crippled by being awful to someone and becoming awful in order to placate/protect yourself from that person, (once the apologies have been made and the prayers for forgiveness have permeated) is to take reassurance in them going on to not be broken, despite whatever damage you may have caused.

And now I feel like that's gone.  Sure, I know they are adults and it's probably very unlikely that their divorce has anything to do with what I did to the guy in high school, but telling myself that and even believing it, doesn't make the situation any less sad.  Despite everything, good and bad, the end result at the moment is something that, however amicable in the end, must have resulted in great sadness on both ends.  Even if the part I played in all that was microscopically small, I can't forget that I was the first to bring ugliness before the wife was ever a part of his life.

I don't think it will keep me up at nights - though it wouldn't surprise me to have some guilt-fueled dreams from it all, as is my norm in life - but I do find it coming back to my thoughts more than once, and the only feeling I can come away from it all with is a bad one; sad for them both, people I loved and no longer am close to, sad for the loss, sad for the return of pain in his life, and sad to know that God grieves for their parting.

I am guessing this won't be the last divorce of loved ones I see, (it certainly wasn't the first) but it really just adds to all the others in a way that I have to work to not let get me down.  I know it hurts, I know God hurts for them, and I know even with all this distance, I will still hurt too.

I guess the best thing I can pull from all this melancholy is to realize how precious what I have is; to never take my husband for granted, to pray for the marriages of those I love for added strength and protection, and to offer whatever love and help I can to anyone who would want or need it from me after such a loss.

Sometimes, it's okay to be melancholy, as long as I keep the perspective of what new insights and help it provides to my own life; and that I hold to the understanding to allow myself to hurt for others when they experience truly hurtful things.  I'd rather be this way and a little sad sometimes, then turn cold to all the world's mishaps and pains....