Things I Will Never Tell My Closest Friends

This may be a bit stream of consciousness; here is the idea.

The following are things I might think or feel in a moment, but could/would never say to someone I really care about, both because they sound psycho, and because those feelings don't last. Also, most of them expose a problem with me, and why I constantly need to be working on putting my identity firmly in God, the only person who can never fail me. And they are pretty weird/disturbing/creepy/or overwhelming feelings. I am so glad they pass and are not constant.

Your conjectures are your own. I will not confirm whether I ever thought this about you personally or not, and you may even be combined with one or more other people. Enjoy =)

Thing 1

"I am emotionally obsessed with you. I completely over-focus on the things we have in common, or the delightful things you make me think. In this moment I feel you are a kindred spirit who I never want to be separated from. My love for your thoughts, ideas, and words cloud my brain, much the way pressure in my sinuses makes my head feel fuzzy (I know a lot about this as it is my most frequent state of being). I want to uncover every shared experience or area between us, and also discover all the delightful ways it is possible to enjoy disagreeing with you. I crave your conversation and want to talk to you until I literally run out of things to say. You always leave too soon or end our talks before I am ready. When you are gone, there is a hole where you should be. I don't understand why, and I hate that I feel this way and yet can't change it. Best to smother and ignore it. You make me feel like an emotional addict, and that's disturbing. I can only focus on my mental passions and what stirs my soul, when I am around you. Having to go back to the real world irks and disappointments me."

God help me, I am an emotional stalker.

Thing 2
"I feel crushingly plain next to you. You are gorgeous and beautiful, and I am horribly self-conscious of how I must look by your side. And yet, to be with you is a constant delight. I enjoy looking at you, having others see me with you, and noticing all the different ways both your perfections and imperfections delight me. My mind is disturbingly focused on physical attributes, qualities, and attractions. I can positively say I platonically and absolutely see how anyone could be sexually attracted to you, even though that makes no sense. I want to touch your hair, snuggle into your side, or just stare into your eyes until I get bored of those sensations. Anytime you touch or recognize me makes me jump with excitement, though I would never want you to see evidence of this. And I have a crushing fear you think or feel none of these things about me."

Apparently, I am completely creepy.

Thing 3
"I am absolutely jealous of anyone in your life you show more attention to than me. Why should I have to share you, feeling more pure about you than anyone else possibly could? I don't ever want you to make anyone else feel as significant as you make me feel. I need to always know I am considered your best and most important friend in the world, and no one else should have that distinction in your life for even a moment. I want to always be the greatest and the funniest and the most important one in your life. I hate knowing someone else can you make you laugh harder, smile bigger, or be more nostalgic for times you shared, than I can. Focus any passions or excesses on me and only me. I desperately need your approval, validation, and constant love."

Egads, I have no life outside this person.


Pretty gross, huh? I am so glad these feelings fade, or can be controlled by more mature ones, and above all can be brought under rein by the pure love of Christ, and God's power in my life.

Thank God I don't have to be slave to such things forever.