A Post for Elyse

A very good friend of mine recently posted an article on her Facebook page that I almost agree with.  There are a lot of interesting points and it's a good read, but I have a sharp division from the theme and it sparked an idea for a narrative.  Here's the article that intrigued me so -

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/sabrina-nelson/taylor-swift-solidarity-a_b_4428410.html

The author's point, as best I can understand it, is that women categorize ourselves as us and them, or to use the terminology in the article, us and the "other" girl.  We are not like the "other" girl because we don't like drama, we aren't fussy, and we prefer hanging out with guys to other women, etc.  Other women like lipstick, sparkles, and cute shoes.  We have to define ourselves as not being like "them", and this gives men power over us.

I happen to be a girly girl in many respects.  When I was little, the only two colors I wanted to wear were pink and purple.  I (still)love glitter and shiny things and puppies and dolphins.  I was a boy crazy teenager, and I will forever enjoy a good (or even sappy or cheesy) love story.  I adore wearing dresses (even if I don't like to pay more than I have to for them) and I will even allow myself to admit that I love cute boots and sexy high heals (as long as I can walk in them.)  But I also don't like drama or building myself up at others' expense or passive aggressive sniping and bullying.  No one should, because it's horrible behavior for anyone, man or woman.

So I am so close to agreeing with this article!  I agree that women should all be on the same team.  I agree that dividing ourselves from our common cause gives men more power over our emotional state than they should have.  I agree that there is NOTHING WRONG with a woman wanting to dress sexy, wear cute boots, or being very into boys.  I don't think we should stereotype women who have traditional girly interests as shallow or vapid.  I agree that we do each other a big disservice when we split ourselves up this way.  So GO article, there.

But here's the problem.  The article seems to suggest that if we just commit to STOP this, if we don't do it and encourage each other instead, problem solved!  No more passive aggressive bitchy behavior to put up with.

As much as I loathe passive aggressive behavior, as much as I want it to be true that if we just stop stereotyping each other and just root for each other instead, this will all go away and we can be one big happy group of sisters, I know in my heart that it just doesn't work that way.  I know, because I've lived it.

Let me tell you instead what I do believe is true, in words better than mine could ever be.  The woman who nailed my thoughts right on the head was the fictitious Olivia Joules (from "Olivia Joules and the Overactive Imagination" one of my favorite books, and written by the wonderful Helen Fielding, author of the Bridget Jones books)  Here's how she puts it -

"Olivia's theory was that you could divide women into two types: those who were on the Girls' Team, and Undercover Bitches.  If a woman was on the Girls' Team, she could be as beautiful, intelligent, rich, famous, sexy, successful and as popular as fuck, and you'd still like her.  Women on the Girls' Team had solidarity.  They were conspiratorial and brought all their fuck-ups to the table for everyone to enjoy.  Undercover Bitches were competitive: they showed off, tried to put others down to make themselves look good, lacked humor and a sense of their own ridiculousness, said things which sounded okay on the surface but were actually designed to make you feel really bad, couldn't bear it when they weren't getting enough attention, and they flicked their hair.  Men didn't get all this.  They thought women took against each other because they were jealous.  Quite tragic, really."

I wish with all my heart the above statement weren't true, but all of middle school, most of high school, and even a few more experiences in college and the work place have taught me that no matter how loving, how kind, and how encouraging you are to other women, there will always be, somewhere, an Undercover Bitch.

Now the good news is I believe saying this is a "type" of woman is a stretch.  I am confidant that women who act like Undercover Bitches are doing exactly that; acting.  At no point are you stuck being an Undercover Bitch.  I am positive it is a behavior, not an unavoidable state.  (I know this because one of my greatest tormentors from Middle School recently tracked me down only to apologize for all the years of insecurity and put downs she subjected me to.  My response?  Welcome to the Girls' Team!)

So the first part of my post is simply that.  This exists.  I'm sure I've even had moments where someone could have classified me as an Undercover Bitch.  So if you find yourself being competitive towards other women, and you also realize that along with those feelings you "showed off, tried to put others down to make themselves [yourself] look good, lacked humor and a sense of their [your] own ridiculousness, said things which sounded okay on the surface but were actually designed to make you [others] feel really bad, couldn't bear it when they [you] weren't getting enough attention..." (we can let hair flicking go for now) maybe take a moment to evaluate.  And then just STOP IT!  STOP DOING THAT!  Because I agree with the spirit of that article.  We are women!  There is no reason we shouldn't all be rooting for each other in this big, insanely hard world.  This is just behavior, and only you can decide to put an end to it.  So come join the Girls' Team!  My evaluation of women is that most of us are already here anyway.  It's lonely when you go Undercover.  So just don't.

Which brings me to point/part 2.  I had to say the above because the sad sad truth is, all the rooting for them and being overly nice in the world won't make Undercover Bitches stop behaving that way.  In fact, in my unfortunate experience, it will only make them worse.  It will make them try to make you their bitch, because they are following impulses that demand to be in control, to have the advantage over you, and to know that they are prettier, better, and more liked than you.  We can't stop that behavior using the "kill them with kindness" approach (trust me, I've tried)  The only way is to basically be polite but otherwise ignore Undercover Bitches.  Only they can decide to stop acting out that way.  The Girls' Team is open to anyone, but you have to want to be a member of a team.  To not always be the best or prettiest or in charge.  You can't make anyone join a team if they don't believe in team work.  You have to make the decision to support team behavior for yourself, and be as dedicated to it as you can.  We all slip up, but if you are willing to do all you can to leave the behavior that is really damaging to others behind, there is always an open invitation waiting.

Once that happens, we can all be in the Girls' Team together.  I know Helen Fielding believes this despite her Team/Bitches theory, because in the third Bridget Jones book, Bridget encounters a woman named Nicolette who puts her down almost the entire length of the book, taking passive aggressive swipes at her in public and through group emails.  But the second this woman finally comes clean, admits her problems and struggles, and is real about her life, Bridget's response is exactly that; welcome to the Club!

And THAT is what we need to do as women.  Always forgive, always be ready to welcome another sister to the Club (when she's ready to want to be there) and always be rooting for everyone on the Girls' Team to succeed at this wild, wonderful mess called life.

Just don't trust Undercover Bitches too far until you know they're on your side.  Caution, not exclusion, is the order of the day.  Remember, Bridget Jones didn't befriend Rebecca, the woman from the 2nd book who purposely set out to steal Mark Darcy from Bridget just to see if she could, chucked him as soon as she got bored with her conquest, and then tried to steal him back from Bridget once she and Mark were able to make it up again.  That would have been a bad move for Bridget's self-esteem and forever have put Bridget under Rebecca's thumb.  But that's only because Rebecca was unrepentant.  Rebecca only wanted to hurt others and make herself look good at their expense.  Rebecca was never willing to admit she had flaws or insecurities or share her hopes and dreams.  Rebecca was set on knowing she was the prettiest and the most popular with all the boys, married, otherwise attached, or single, and she cared not one whit what that behavior might do to any other woman she came in contact with.  And it's okay to be careful around those people.

But we don't need to give a crap about whether a woman wears T-Shirts, or skirts, red lipstick or chapstick, expensive shoes or the best bargain boots from Target.  That stuff doesn't matter or make a woman who she is.  What makes us women is our incredible capacity to care and share, to love and be patient, to help and nurture and be loyal.  And the women who value those qualities are waiting for anyone else who wants in and wants their love and friendship, whether they prefer to drink their welcoming toast with a cosmopolitan or a beer can in their hand.

So if you're a lady, and you're not here already, come join the Girls' Club.  What are you waiting for?  We'll take you anytime.

Let's root for the women who won't purposely try to burn each other.  That's something I want to promote.  That's something worth cultivating.

And I know a great girl who can do your nails ;-)