"Writer Girl"

(Updated 4/26, as the original version did not match up correctly with the song)

Just for fun, here are some alternate lyrics I wrote to "Piano Man" that describe the characters in my books. As sung by Doc, Larissa's friend and muse who is a bartender at "Margaritaville," to Larissa, while she tends bar at the "Shangri La."

“It’s 9 o’clock on a Saturday,

The regular crowd all is in,

There’s an odd girl sitting next to me,

A casino nurse in the city of Sin.”

“She’s just one of the many who work here,

That seem too strange to be real.

Cause she’s young and she’s sweet,

And treats injuries of cheats,

Her friend beats for copping a feel.”

“Oh, la la la, de de da

La la, de de da da da”

“Spin us a tale, you’re the writer girl.

Spin us a tale tonight.

Cause we’re all in the mood for a story now,

And you serve them with vodka or sprite.”

“Now this girl at the bar is a friend of mine,

She gets me my drinks for free.

And she’s quick with a joke,

Or a tale of some folks,

That are more than a little cray-zee.”

“She says, ‘Doc, I believe Roxy’s killing me,’

As a smirk ran away from her face.

“Well I’m sure if she doesn’t stop guarding me,

I’ll never make it past 1^st base.’ ”

“Oh, la la la, de de da

La la, de de da da da”

“Miss Larissa’s a bartender-novelist,

Who never had time for a life.

And she’s talking with Justin,

Who made a life bust-in,

Bad guys, but he’s put that on ice.”

“And the waitress is one of a pair of twins,

And the owner’s as rich as they come.

Just make sure you don’t cross his new girlfriend there,

Cuz with mobsters’s who she used to run.”

“Spin us a tale, you’re the writer girl.

Spin us a tale tonight.

Cause we’re all in the mood for a story now,

And you serve them with vodka or sprite.”

“It’s a pretty weird crowd that she writes about.

Casino manager’s due in awhile.

Cause she’s having a baby,

With her husband who may-be,

A gambler who’s been here awhile.”

“And the can-can girl sings like an angel now,

As her boyfriend conducts the band’s pace.

Their friends sit at the bar,

An odd collection, by far,

In the Shangri La owned by one Ace.”

“Oh, la la la, de de da

La la, de de da da da”

“Spin us a tale, you’re the writer girl.

Spin us a tale tonight.

Cause we’re all in the mood for a story now,

And you serve them with vodka or sprite.”

More Thoughts on Frienship

The hardest part, whether it's girls or guys I'm dealing with, seems to be my tendency to let sentimentality rule, when in some ways I need to be more practical.

This is like swimming upstream for me. I already have all these great, emotional ideas about how friendship is only a matter of feelings, that I'll know what's right and what's meant to be by how I feel in the moment.

I'm always living in moments! Why is it so hard to look at the big picture, to try for the long term as well? Sometimes I feel almost a prisoner to nostalgia and my crazy emotions.

It doesn't help that over the years I've gotten less stable. I cry now at the drop of a hat, I am sensitive to a lot of things I never was before, I read into and analyze far too much.

And I'm starting to realize I can't always trust my feelings as facts, because I have had some pretty darn ridiculous feelings that in the moment seemed overpowering and legitimate, but that later I want to laugh at and wonder where they've gone.

I always find myself yearning after what I've lost. All the people I was very close to that I no longer am, or who are so different I can no longer see the parts of them I fell in love with. I often don't see what's right in front of me, because I'm still thinking of these lost friends and looking for what I think they gave me.

I miss the way it was in high school, where you had a group of friends constantly around you, and friendships were as simple as breathing. It was effortless; they were just always there. Some of them you were closer to than others, but there was always that core group, always around, someone always there when something went horrifically wrong. I believed several of these people WOULD lay down in the middle of traffic for me, (even if they really wouldn't.) I miss the ease of it all, the constancy, the dependability, and the shared experience. Adult friendships are nothing like this; they take work and thought and deliberation, and I am so clueless at how to do something like that, when it's not purely emotionally driven, that I often find myself exhausted, hurt, and confused.

But if that was the perfect example of friendship, why are they gone now?

I've romanticized and idealized that part of my life, and what those people represented. Yes, it was fantastic to have a group of friends constantly around, but aside from that, my life was full of drama and insecurity and often felt like an emotional roller coaster, (the kind that sometimes gives you whiplash!)

It was in high school that I was diagnosed with depression. I gave myself a whole host of insecurities and charming paranoias, from validation issues to panic attacks. I was victim to severe self-confidence issues, and dangerously afraid of abandonment and rejection. I also had a faith crises and realized the Mormon church had left me feeling hollow and empty for the past few years, and that I was just spinning my wheels in my walk, (ride? mixing my metaphors) with God.

And let's not forget this perfect group of friends I find myself so nostalgically longing for, broke down into some pretty messed up individual relationships. My main boyfriend through high school and I were in a codependent, abusive relationship together. My best friend in the world, the girl who had been my bestest girl friend ever since I was 2 years old, had a falling out with me. Her other female best friend and I had a falling out over her ex-boyfriend; I sided with him, my best friend sided with her. I got my best male friend, (after my husband) in the world out of the deal; my practically-brother, Justin. But I lost the two females I was closest to, leaving a gap that has never been filled or completely healed. And the guy I was closest to after said Justin, was actually my ex-boyfriend, the last guy I had dated before I had hooked up with Mr. Codependancy. We had a strange relationship that made my current boyfriend jealous and made my friends gossip. We exchanged more notes, thoughts, and feelings than I can count, and we were so close that the hole he left in my life when we drifted is something I still long for, even if I don't understand what it was. I shared my writing with him and he understood me better than I knew myself. I even came back my first year of college to go to homecoming with him, (he was a year younger than me) and all the things I loved most about him ended up being poured into my novels as one of the main characters.

Do I really want complicated relationships like those making up the majority of my life again? That was the substance of almost all my friendships in high school. There was a constant presence of people I loved, yes, but also a constant insecurity and fear of losing them or their approval or their love. I was not a happy person then.

With the exception of Justin, all these people are gone or out of my life now. I am not close to a single one of them. With most of them, I don't even think I'd want to be anymore. People who I loved in ways as automatic as my heart beating are now strangers I barely know, and in whose life I make almost no difference. How does that happen?

People aren't perfect. And for all my narrative and self justification, that starts with me. I'm a bit of an emotional basket case, no matter how much I wish for the mental discipline of a Vulcan. I can't control all these crazy feelings, just hold them back and ask God to help me do my best to let the right ones filter through in the right moment.

I wouldn't blame people if that scares them. It scares the hell out of me, sometimes!

And yet, in spite of and because of those things, I have come so far already. The moment I started to turn these things over to God, I started to experience the first real victory in my life. I can go to parties and hangouts without always being an insecure wreck, now. I can trust people, but accept their humanity when they fail me, without taking it entirely personal. I can get validation and fulfillment from the Lord instead of others. The core issue are not gone, but they are so much weaker and have so much less control of my life than they used to.

And for the first time since childhood, I am truly happy in life. Despite my struggles, I have a wonderful husband, a beautiful house, a fantastic marriage, a wonderful church, and a great job. I wouldn't trade any of these gains for that romanticized idea of friendship from high school. I have a taste now of what it's like to be truly happy, and I know God only wants to give me more.

If I trust that these things I have now are better and healthier, (which they constantly prove they are) then I need to learn to trust that the friendships God wants to give me will be more of the same He has provided in every other way. Nostalgia is nice, but it realistically has to have its place. It doesn't get to drive anymore, nor do my emotions. I am learning a new way to steer, and it's hard and scary sometimes, but infinitely better.