My Brain is Afraid of a Teenage Boy

    Due to a perfect storm of circumstances: A lupus diagnosis which caused me to begin treatment with Plaquenil, which increased my chances for complications during pregnancy while also making my birth control both less effective and more important than ever; I recently had to switch my method for preventing babies from growing in my womb against my will.  This than coupled with a failed attempt at an IUD and a resolve not to try and start anything new until after my vacation to Italy THUS a short break from birth control entirely which resulted in the reason for this post – an alarming change in my hormone levels after over 10 years of being on the birth control patch.

                The side effects of this withdrawal have been no end of charming.  Lots of aches and pains, including an increase in the number of really bad headaches I have.  Mood swings that take me everywhere from anxious to ecstatic to crying to dancing around the living room in my underwear.  But the best part has been the insanely intense dreams.

                This week was particularly bad as I had 4 consecutive dreams about my ex boyfriend.  As I have been married for almost 14 years now, having that many dreams in a row about a guy I broke up with over 16.5 years ago is alarming enough as it is.  But the real stinger is that this particular ex and I had a rather upsetting history: essentially I hated who I was when I was with him, (co-dependent and insecure) and his behavior towards me was unfortunately what I have no other way to label but as abusive; in multiple realms.  No, he never left a mark on me, but he still hurt me physically from time-to-time.  No he almost never behaved this way in public, but he did make me constantly feel as though I wasn’t pretty, funny, or good enough by the things that he said to me and the way he talked about me.  No he didn’t put me down when my friends were around, but he yelled at me and swore at me and argued with me so often, I became intensely afraid of conflict of any sort, and not just from him.  I told myself his behavior was my fault for two years before I was finally forced to admit that just being a better girlfriend was never going to change how he treated me.

                Now it’s important to note here that shortly after we broke up, apologies were made on both sides, (me for my emotionally manipulative and co-dependent behavior, he for just the general sense of all I felt he had done wrong, even if he couldn’t fully understand the ways I believed he had injured me.)  Since then I have talked, written, and thought over everything that happened until I felt a sincere sense of closure in each area of injury that occurred.  More recently, I even had a conversation with his cousin who was one of my closest friends in High School, and was finally able to convey to him how bad things really were and how deeply I had regretted not getting to stay a part of his family.  The cousin, who has become a close friend again, gave me a final sense of resolution by assuring me his family didn’t think ill of me, and we both expressed our regrets at not being able to remain good friends after the breakup despite our good relationship prior to that.  It was great, I felt like I got a brother back.  I have become good friends with his wife, and we currently go to the same church which his cousin does not attend.

                In addition, I have since gained a world more of confidence, self-worth, and pride about the life I live.  I am in a marriage that I think I can objectively say is very healthy, where I am loved, treasured, and deeply valued every day.  I continue to grow in knowledge, in love, and am encouraged to go outside my comfort zone and push my boundaries continually towards self improvement.  So by all measurable standards, I have healed from this ordeal as much as a person possibly could do.

                And yet, for years I have had continual dreams wherein this ex tries to win me back, tries to establish a deep relationship with me again, and in the worst cases, literally forces me back to his side with the knowledge that I have lost the husband I cherish so much and who helped me gain so much peace of mind over my past.

                Normally these dreams happen once every month or two.  Which is why this week was so incredibly difficult, because I had them every single day instead for just long enough to make me wonder if I needed some kind of special therapy or counseling.

                And here’s the crazy thing – objectively, it makes no sense for this person to give me nightmares.  Because in addition to the closure I made sure to achieve and the length of time that has passed since we even so much as last saw each other, the person I am afraid of was a teenage boy, who was 16-18 years old during the time of my torment.  Half of our messed-up relationship can be easily explained by the fact that at the time we were too young and dumb to know how to have a functional relationship in the first place.  It didn’t help matters that about nine months in, I was also diagnosed with depression.  Nevermind that neither I nor my family understood how to handle this - a teenage boyfriend can be one of the most helpless people on Earth when it comes to dealing with such a real-world problem for the first time.  So much time, and life, and experience, and healing has happened since then.

                My point is, this person doesn’t even exist anymore.  He hasn’t for years.  My ex is now a man with one divorce under his belt and a new wife, baby, and adopted daughter.  He is not the 17-year-old that made me feel ugly and awful. He hasn’t been that person for at least 15 years, to the best of my reckoning.  He is an entirely different person than the one who haunts my dreams.  He doesn’t look the same, care about the same things, or even act the same in many ways, (at least I hope so for his wife and children’s sake.)

                In trying to figure out why these dreams have continued to torment me for years no matter what I do to obtain proper closure, it was these string of 4 in a row that finally caused me to realize, much like Sarah in Labyrinth, how nonsensical the idea of me still being frightened of this person is.  After day four I just wanted to yell at the top of my lungs, “You have no power over me!”

                And even if somehow my teenage tormentor DID still exist, who is there left to torment?  I am not a 17-year-old girl, either.  I am 35 years old.  I have self-published 5 novels.  I have been a devoted and wildly happy wife for almost 15 years now.  I have traveled around the world to almost 12 different countries already.  I married a man who makes me laugh so hard I cry sometimes, and who can laugh just at hard at my jokes.  I have a career that can support me if I am on my own, I am an Aunt to an amazing niece, I am going to Italy with my youngest sister for her first international trip in a matter of weeks – in short I have an entire life I never had when I allowed this person to wound me.  There is almost none of the “me” left that he would recognize - I am fulfilled and delighted and can’t wait to see what the world holds next for me.  Yes, I also have several different medical conditions I have had and am continuing to learn how to manage, but I am doing so with an incredible partner at my side and an amazing network of family and friends.  I have a church I love and a home I am proud of and an entire world he knows nothing about and can never touch, let alone take away from me.  And it would be INCREDIBLY arrogant of me to believe he would want to, even if he could.  We quite simply have almost nothing to do with each other anymore, in the healthiest way possible.

                So no matter what my dreams decide to do to me in future, at least I can know the futility of those dreams to change my life in any material way.  They may make me feel weird for the duration of a day, but much like everything else that was as insubstantial as our silly high school romance, they fade away to make room for bigger and better and happier things.

                And that is something I refuse to be afraid of.