Victory is Mine!

I threw out his old fleece today.

I don't even know why I still had the crappy old thing. He gave it to me when we were dating, and since it was about 3 sizes too big for him it was about 12 sizes too big for me. At one point when we were still dating he wanted it back because he decided what it meant to him (his unity with his cousin/best friend because they had matching ones) was more important than what I meant to him. There were lots of things more important than me in his life, and maybe that's why I didn't give it back, because I didn't want to acknowledge that painful truth.

Eventually it ripped around the collar and I clumsily sewed it back together. But it was never really the same after that. The stitches showed and there was no making it look the way it had before, no truly fixing it. Funny isn't it, how that fleece is such a twisted and sick metaphor for our relationship?

So why after being married for almost 3 years to the most amazing and compatible for me man I've ever met, did I still have that thing? Why did it take until today to finally throw it away?

For several years I kept telling myself I was going to give it to his girlfriend (fiancee now) since it really belonged to her and shouldn't be with me. But I could never get with her to pass that torch on.

For awhile I thought if I threw it away it would just mean I was bitter. Trashing and burning things like the angry ex that I wasn't because I'm quite happy with the life I have.

Then I kept telling myself, what if he wants it back and I've thrown it away?

I guess today I just realized he's never going to want it back. Just like I don't ever want what we had back. There's that annoyingly salient metaphor again.

But I've decided to be proud of myself because however obnoxious and relevant and true all the above is, the fact remains that I finally triumphed over that mentality. I am free both from the fleece and everything it represents. It's in the garbage now with the decomposing food and dog poop, and other assorted junk that winds up in our apartment dumpsters. I tossed it!

It's the kind of victory you savor.