Dear Ann Coulter

To Ms. Coulter,
I doubt that you'll ever occasion to read my blog, but be that as it may I still have a few things to say to you.
First of all, thank you for providing me with inspiration for a new posting, and therefore getting me out of a slump in blog writing. Now onto my gripe.
It has come to my attention Ms. Coulter, that after reading an interview with you in Vogue (the most available reading material in the Kohl's breakroom at the time) I need to confront you with an unfortunate statement that escaped your lips. (I'm sure it wouldn't be the first time such a thing has happened.)
You see Ms. Coulter, you stated that you were a "mean Christian."
I am sorry to disappoint you, but I must contradict this. Despite your impressive intelligence, you obviously don't seem to understand that "mean Christian" is an oxymoron.
Look Ms. Coulter, I hate to be picky, but as Christians we have enough problems with people claiming to represent us who then go on to say nasty things (that's right Pat Robertson, I'm hinting at you) So please, if you have any good feelings whatsoever about Christians, do not throw in your lot with us.
Unless of course you intend to be a "nice Christian."
You see a mean Christian is not something that I believe can technically exist. If you are being mean, then you are obviously contradicting Christ's gospel of love and forgiveness. So I'm afraid until you learn to play nice with others, I'm going to ask you to refrain from counting yourself among Christians who are working hard to make sure they DON'T gain a negative reputation.
Please consider my words, I really do mean them most sincerely.
In the meantime if you're going to continue to be so nasty, maybe you should claim membership in a group that supports your negativity. I'm sure there are plenty out there who would be willing to claim you.
Also, if you can't say anything nice, please don't say anything at all about being a Christian.
Thank you for your time.
~Concerned Christian (not an oxymoron)