Hatred

I've needed to write about this for a long time but I haven't had the courage. I think today's the day though because I can't keep it churning inside me for too much longer.

The subject is hatred, something I've thought long and hard about. There's a lot of different types of hatred I could talk about. The twisted kind that politics brews, the fanatical type that religions like extremist Islam create. But the kind I want to talk about is personal and entirely way too close to home for me. I don't even know if it's right to write this but I have to get it off my chest.

I've only ever hated two people in my life so far. I try to avoid it because ever since I was young I've believed that hatred is a dark feeling that poisons you the longer you carry it around with yourself. I dated a man who I loved very much that was a living testament to this. He carried around a hatred of his father who left him and his ex-fiancee who manipulated him and lied about aborting their child, and I saw personally how it destroyed his life. It had consumed him to the point where it affected the relationships he was in and his ability to be happy. I never wanted that to happen to me.

But twice I've fallen into the abyss of hatred and had to slog my way back out. Both times I was blessed with the foresight of my husband who was able to see it for what it was, make me realize what it was doing to me, and help me through prayer and love to overcome it. But the fact remains that I've given way to this dangerous emotion twice and it was a long hard road to triumph over it both times.

The first man I hated never should have gotten to me in the way he did. It wasn't just what my ex-boyfriend did to me that created these feelings-its usually much easier for me to forgive what people have done to me personally than what they've done to those I love-but my own inability to see what he was doing to me and stand up for myself before it was too late. In hating him I most likely was really hating myself because I had let him do what he did to me and make me feel the way I did. My ex-boyfriend didn't deserve for me to hate him. We were dumb kids when we dated and the mistakes that were made weren't just his fault, they were mine as well. What was done was partially due to inexperience in knowing what to do in a relationship and partially because of my desperate need for validation and habit to submitting to relationships/friendships with people where I became willing to take abuse. Still, 3 years after the relationship had ended and I had just gotten married, I realized that through years of built up resentment I had come to hate a person that didn't even know what he was doing to me at the time.
Luckily I got through that. It took a lot of love from Steve and several earnest prayers to the Lord, but the end result was that I pulled myself out of that dangerous trap and managed to let bygones be bygones as I should. He even apologized to me shortly after we had broken up for how awful our relationship had become, something that he really didn't have to do, but still meant a lot to me that he did. Hating him was silly and unnecessary. I regret that I let it all come to that in the first place.

But the matter of the other man I hated is more serious. I'm not saying it excuses how I felt, but the person involved is far more culpable because he's never shown any sign of guilt for his actions. I wasn't sure I even wanted to tell this story, but for the sake of how long it's weighed on me, I think I have to get it off my chest.
This man and I were very close. He was the husband of a very dear friend. Steve and I spent a lot of time with this couple and loved being with them. Sometimes the man and I even met for lunch-something our spouses were aware of and okay with-when I was in between classes at school. If you had asked me if this man loved his wife, I would have been the person to most loudly and whole-heartedly defend him in that. After all, Steve and I had seen evidence of his affection for her every day. He was constantly displaying his love for her, both in physical ways and by doing things like planning surprises for her. Admittedly they were different in a lot of ways, but we thought they were a perfect couple. You could just always see by how they acted around each other how much they were in love.

Right before Steve and I got married-and I might add that many more happy times were expected between us all once Steve and I became a married couple as well-this man convinced his wife to try and have a child with him. His wife was hesitant at first because she had never been in a hurry to have children. But he was so insistent and she loved him so much that she threw herself completely into the plan. Steve and I even helped them consider baby names.

Shortly after that, a female friend of this man who was pregnant and had nowhere to go turned to him for help. This man convinced his wife, hesitant though she was, to take the friend in until she had given birth.

Can you imagine my shock when reading an e-mail from my friend on my honeymoon, I discovered that this man had cheated on his beloved wife with the pregnant friend who was staying with them? It was something I had never believed possible. A friend of mine had even suspected it, but I had defended this man against her accusations, saying it was impossible that he would ever hurt his wife in such a way, declaring him to be one of the truest and most loyal men I knew.

But that wasn't the worst of it. The worst part was that this man's wife had become pregnant with his child. She found out about the baby right before she found out about the affair, and was so desperate to raise his child with him that she told him she would work through this problem and have his baby if he would leave the friend and try to make their marriage work.

And this man told her no. He left with the other woman to raise her child and not his own, and left his wife pregnant and heartbroken.

So his wife had an abortion. She had no one to raise the baby with and she didn't want to do it without him.

I can't ever blame his wife for what she did. I can't even imagine what her grief was like having to make a decision like that. She told me that right before she went to get the abortion, she called him and offered to make things work one more time and told him what she planned to do if he said no. He turned her down again.

For the next year, possibly more, my husband and I spent our time trying to help, love, and console this man's wife. She became one of my dearest friends. Through her pain the one blessing that came out of it was a solid friendship.

Meanwhile during separation proceedings, this man lied to his lawyer and falsely accused his wife of stealing money from him. He lied to our mutual friends and told them his wife hadn't told him she was going to get the abortion. He said that he'd found out about it only through a credit card statement. Instead of admitting he'd done something terrible to this woman, instead of offering her any kind of apology, let alone the monetary compensation she at least was due for his betrayal, he lied to everyone and ended up getting out of the separation scott free, with no money paid to his ex-wife. He was free to go on and live the life he had chosen with his mistress without any financial repercussions and any sign of regret.

This man has never given any form of an apology to his ex-wife. He has never even acted like he did anything wrong. He has lied about his marriage and done everything he could to save face. I asked him why he did what he did and he told me it just happened. That was it. Having sex with a woman who wasn't his wife was merely an accident.

I had been so close to the two of them. We had shared dreams and plans for things to do together as couples. And then, contrary to everything I thought I knew about this man, he did what I have just described.

I don't know how many tears I've cried over the situation. It hurt me worse than any personal betrayal done to myself ever has. I have bled for his ex-wife and mourned the friendship that was lost because of his decision.

And I have hated him with a passion that scared me.

I am happy to say that again my husband came to my soul's rescue and I was able to work through this dark part of my life as well. I have settled things with God and gotten rid of the horrible feelings I have towards him. I can honestly say now that I wish him well and I hope he has a happy life.

But I can never be comfortable around this man ever again. It's not merely what he did, but the fact that he acted like nothing had happened. He was able to pretend that the grief he caused meant absolutely nothing. He chose to raise a child that wasn't his own, and leave his wife with a child that was. He chose a mistress over his wife. I can never be comfortable around someone like that. It's not merely how horrible the situation was, though that was quite traumatic. But it is the fact that he has never expressed any regret or made any apology to the woman he made everyone believe he so ardently loved before he left her for someone else.

Some may judge me for this decision. They may say I hold a grudge. But I can testify that I have worked through my hatred for him with so many tears and an open heart to the Lord. I don't hate him anymore. I don't wish any evil on him. To be fair to him he has stood by the woman he left his wife for. They are now married and have a child of their own. I know he is a kind person in many respects. He has recently befriended one of my closest friends and his wife, and I know these people think the world of him. As much as all this pains me these are the facts of the matter.

But I can never be comfortable around someone who cannot acknowledge his own wickedness when that wickedness hurts someone he professes to love and who I love dearly. I don't know how I could ever trust him again.

If this is a fault in my character then I confess I am guilty. But that is how I feel.

My friends will tell you I am far too trusting. I have allowed myself to be hurt again and again because I always endeavor to believe the best about people.

But this is one situation where I cannot change how I feel. I have forgiven this man. But it is absolutely impossible for me to ever trust him again, and ever be comfortable around him again.

Judge me how you will.