Medical Musings or Thoughts on Being Healthy

Okay I lied. I have one more thing to say and I was afraid to say it at first, but I'm just going to get it out because this has been such a wonderful week of discovery and self-awareness that I don't want to let it go just yet.

Since I was 17 I have always struggled with personal feelings about my health. When I was diagnosed with depression, part of what drove me to it in the first place (and there were certainly other factors but this is a very large one) is the fact that I had come down with constant headaches that there seemed to be no solution to curing. I went to countless doctors, got numerous tests run, and to this day the diagnosis is still that they were caused by tension. That never did me much good to make me feel better.

This is something I truly struggle with. I know it's ungrateful, but it really gets me down to feel bad for so long. I wouldn't mind so much if I just constantly got sick with things like colds and viruses that just hang on for a few weeks and then go away. But what I always end up with is conditions. First there were my "tension" headaches, then I got over them briefly to turn around and be diagnosed with IBS, and recently I have developed a sinus problem that the doctor has been trying to figure out how to help for the past several months. This really weighs on me. I know there are people out there who suffer way more than I do, and I know I am so lucky to not have some kind of terminal illness. I have the appearance of pretty good health truth be told and I should probably be more grateful for that. But I still really struggle with the fact that I have these conditions, things that while not debilitating, never really go away either. I get so tired of having sinus headaches all the time but not really being able to do anything about it. And it drives me crazy that if I don't eat frequently enough during the day, my IBS infliction sends horrible pains to my stomach that only get worse with movement and can't be gotten rid of without medicine, food, and prolonged laying down. It's so grumbling to say it, but I get sick of dealing with this in my life.

A few months ago I was thinking about how in the Bible God offered King Solomon any gift he wanted and he chose wisdom. I had fun asking a couple of friends what they would have picked had God extended such a choice to them, but it had taken next to no time for me to decide what I would choose if God ever offered it. It's entirely selfish of me but I know the thing I would choose would be to be in perfect health for the rest of my life.

Feeling bad physically has the ability to get me more upset and frustrated and depressed than most anything else that has challenged me. I've always felt like a weak person. I was a shy, quiet, and insecure person as long as I can remember. Having these physical disadvantages just seems to add insult to injury.

But if I think about it I can see some good things from it. My depression taught me to understand myself in a way I probably couldn't have otherwise. I learned to recognize those emotionally taxing spells in my life when they started coming, and to deal with them so that I could never be plunged into those depths of despair again. And by often feeling physically weak and delicate, I have developed strengths in other areas to compensate for it. I have an incredible emotional strength that I rely on to get me through day to day life. Yes I still cry at the drop of a hat. But the crying is actually very therapeutic, and instead of threatening my peace of mind, it actually helps contribute to it. I know how to handle tragedies and if I do cry I still get back up on my feet and go at things again, feeling stronger than I did the first time. I've slowly been laying down layers of steel in my soul and it's good to know they're there when I need them.

I've prayed and prayed and had others pray for me to get better, and it just doesn't seem to be in the cards. But I've never been angry at God. Yes sometimes I get a little down or frustrated with it, but never at the Lord. I've tried to turn it into a strength and believe that "what doesn't kill me makes me stronger" and even if I don't understand why the Lord isn't bestowing the blessing of healing on me, I'm okay with that deep down, because I know it must mean he's helping prepare me for something. God knows how tough I'm going to need to be, and whether I understand entirely or not, I'm sure this is his way of helping me get there.

And for all my griping about not feeling good, it is undeniable how God has blessed my life in so many other wonderful ways. The people that surround me are all so incredible and provide me with so much that I need. My parents have always been a strong example to me, both of how to treat others, (my mom teaching me so much about tolerance) and how to stay together even when things are tough, and to try working things out before giving up and giving into the culture of divorce. My dad especially hammered that lesson into me that you always need to try, and that anything worth having requires lots of effort but is worth the hard work. And then there are my wonderful sisters who drove me absolutely bonkers when we were all living at home, but who I've now formed solid friendships with and who I'm delighted to see growing into real people in their own rights, even if I cringe to see them make any of the same mistakes I did (luckily they usually don't.) I know sometimes they are infuriated that I haven't given them nieces and nephews yet, but I hope they know that it's partially because I'm not ready to give up our relationships as they are right now to a changed one involving children. And my wonderful in-laws who have never been the stereotypical difficult people most married women complain about, but who have always been loving, supportive, and unobtrusive. My father-in-law is always ready to provide corny humor, my mother-in-law is like a wonderful friend that I can talk to for good advice, (not to mention she gave me back the gift of sight by paying for me to have laser eye surgery as a graduation gift) and my husband's grandma who is the most generous woman I've known and has taken me on trips to Ireland and Alaska, and given Steve and I money for our wedding and enough to go on a dream honeymoon to Hawaii. I could never afford to travel in such a luxurious way before and she has opened up such a wonderful source of new delight to me.

And God really has blessed me with some of the most incredible friends, people who knew how to help me deal with things like not always feeling healthy. There's my dear Justin, the person in high school who held my hand at times while I wandered through the murky swamp of depression, and who always had a hug and never made me feel judged, even if I knew he didn't entirely understand what was going on with me. There's my sweet Claire and Kari, my orchestra friends who always had a smile for me and always lived as excellent examples to how a person should behave. I think they're two of the best people I know. And of course Kim and her sweet, ornery husband Phil who have always gave and gave their love unconditionally and without question. And I know God sent Jenni my way, to help me form my political opinions, challenge the accepted wisdom, and enable me to not feel so alone, and give me the comfort that there was someone else out there who gets my wacky humor. And even in the tragedy of a friend's separation, he used that event to help me become closer to my Amanda, someone who has always been there for me when I felt like no one else had my back or if I needed validation and couldn't explain why. Not only that, but she is the best sounding board I've ever had for when I feel irrational. When I have a problem, she gives me the most impartial advice and enables me to distance myself from my emotions and see things more clearly. If I'm irrational, she tells me, and if there are feelings and concerns that really are valid she helps me see that. Just recently, God blessed me with Kate as well, and gave me as she says a "mirror" to help me see into my soul and understand myself in a way I couldn't before, while feeling simultaneously that I was able to help her as I helped myself. I used to think I was a freak for feeling the way I did and having the scars I had from the experiences I'd gone through, but I don't feel that way since sharing my thoughts with Kate and seeing how near identitcal her feelings are to mine. Now I feel normal.

Finally the Lord has blessed with with the most wonderful soul mate and best friend I could ask for. My husband Steve is my greatest source of strength. He pushes me to do things I think are hard, gets me outside my comfort zone, and builds up my self confidence everyday. I could never believe I met someone so perfect for me by chance. I know God brought us together, and helped us overcome what seemed like giant hurdles in our relationship when we were dating to bring us to the day when we finally got married.

Wow. I started this post telling you all how ungrateful I am and somehow it ended with me realizing I am one of the luckiest people on Earth. Thanks for listening. I needed to gripe for a minute. I still hate that I often don't feel well. But in the scheme of things, it's not really that significant. When I put it into the perspective of all the things I've got, it kinda fades into the background. And I think that's the healthiest thing for me.